# Consumer Reports On Girlfriends

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# Consumer_Reports_On_Girlfriends

     Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for
girlfriends has changed substantially.  So we here at CU decided
another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one.  This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider.  Do you want an
intellectual companion?  A baby factory?  A hiking partner?  Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying your needs is the first,
and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course,
how much you are able to spend.  This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a
commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.
On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
mind when considering your selection.  Although the salesman will tell
you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this
practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay
will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether
to get a new or a used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will,
roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following
table:

--------               -----------
1-12 years        (see note A)
13-16 years      New
17-21 years      Used, but not used up
22-35 years      Used heavily
35-60 years      New (see note B)
60+                 (see note A)

Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help!
B: Only "new" if income > \$100,000/year.
Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous
bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was
a professional.

Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high
markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which
come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while
chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such
as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The
test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can
range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the
aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane
("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!").  CU rates
as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better."  Once on the test bed,
evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.  The two questions you
want to answer are: how fast, and how far?  Examine the detailing.  Does
the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain
cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience,
and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option.  Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on
the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All
tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test
facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a
number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.  A series of
seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative,
looks, and performance.

Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.
Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

--------       ---------------------------------------------------
Goddess:        This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes
equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't.
She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of
racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and
break a bed.  No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that
this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes
with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful
mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid.  This model tends to
generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right:      The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color.  Other than that, an
excellent long-term investment.  Availability is extremely limited but
can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe:           This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
the options.  Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and
empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your
friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend:         The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind
but you wouldn't be caught dead in it.  Availability is poor to fair,
depending on quality.

Yeah, Her:      The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely
available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others
are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull
finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!